When I first got MS, I was 21.  A sudden bout of optic neuritis sent me to an ophthalmologist, thinking I had cut my eye with my contact lenses. My eye was blinded and the pain did not allow me to easily open it; when I did, I saw double.

The ophthalmologist reassured me that my eye was not cut; I went back to my apartment and waited until the pain ended. The entire incident lasted four days.

It never occurred to me that the symptoms were an indication of anything more serious. “Braving” the pain felt like a reasonable solution in the circumstances. Nothing more came of this, other than the ophthalmologist’s subsequent observation that I had a slight tremor typical of neurological damage, often seen in MS or Parkinson.

Twelve years later the realization of a deep lack of expressed love and affection in my life finally hit me with tremendous force. I had married a man who still loved me, but who was unable to express it in a way that satisfied my yearnings.

Please remember that what follows is simply my perception of the relationship. There will be no faultfinding or blame, only the facts as honestly and accurately as I can perceive and express them.

Whether or not he expressed his love for me, I was unable to perceive it, nor receive it. I was withering away. I wrote poems of a rose dying before it had blossomed and of a rose dying from neglect. I was totally passive in the expectation that love would come from him and felt helpless to change anything at all.

Next post I’ll share with you the important discovery I made.


In case you missed my journey with MS here are the links: